I am Chris and I Sought Help to “Cure Myself to Cure My Child”
Chris, Female, 62 Written by Eliza Yong
Helpless. That was my feeling about nine months ago. It was ironic that I was feeling helpless. I was always the person my family and relatives turned to when they needed help. I was accustomed to
being a pillar for my loved ones and no one knew about my feelings of helplessness now. I bottled up my feelings so that they would not be burdened by my state of mind.
It started when I noticed my son behaving strangely. In truth, ‘strange’ was an understatement. My son had always been a well-mannered and filial son to my husband and I. One day, he suddenly stopped working and was constantly in an angry mood at home. He would lash out physically by punching the wall. On one occasion, he tore down the window shades at home. I was shocked and scared by the sudden change in him. I was not scared for myself because I knew he would not hurt me or anyone in the family. Yet, at the same time, I knew that we had somehow lost him and he was not his normal self.
I waited patiently for my son to find his old self but months went by and he got worse. At times, he could go without food or sleep for days. I was at my wits’ end and I could not understand what was going on with him. And so, I turned to my brother for help. My brother came by and tried to reason with my son on his behaviour. After my brother left, my son threw a fit. He was angry with me and felt humiliated that I had spoken about him to our relatives. After that day, I stopped confiding in my siblings about my son.
Regrettably, my son did not get better over time. He could not find a job and I wondered if he was even looking for one. Feeling helpless, I did not know how to reach out to him, so I approached my nephew who used to be close to my son. I wanted to understand what was going on with my son and I hoped that my nephew would be able to shed some light. He was surprised to hear about my son’s behaviour and suspected that my son might be under the influence of illegal substances. He advised me to report my son to the police but I could not bring myself to do that. I wanted to give my son more time to help himself. As life would have it, my son found out that I had spoken to his cousin and he began to give me a mix of the cold shoulder treatment and shouting. It hurt me deeply to have him raise his voice at me, but I contained my pain.
It was a very difficult period for the both of us. I felt useless because I could not help my son, a feeling I had never experienced before. As my son struggled with himself, I struggled with the change in his behaviour. I had to put up a brave front to my other children, grandchildren and siblings, as I did not want my feelings of hurt, despair and helplessness to affect them. To minimise the tremendous tension at home, I made a conscious effort not to engage in arguments and discussions about my son. I did not talk to anyone about my feelings and worries, so as to avoid upsetting him. But it was too overwhelming and frustrating for me. I needed an outlet to vent my emotions. Soon, I found myself slapping or punching my chest while in the shower. I realised that I could not stop myself and I needed help.
I was desperate to get help. I learnt about an addictions helpline through my nephew and I called the helpline to share about the situation I was having with my son. After speaking with the para-counsellor, I was encouraged to seek help for myself. It was not easy for me to find time for this, while looking after my family. I still found it hard to believe my good son was abusing illegal substances. I needed help for myself and wanted some answers regarding my son.
That was when I went to a clinic for addiction treatment. I met my counsellor and a psychiatrist at the first session. I was not keen to take any medication for my low mood and decided to seek only counselling. Counselling helped. The counselling sessions gave me a safe space to vent and share my feelings. I could cry and lament without having to worry that my son would be upset with me or himself. I could say whatever came to my mind. I could ask questions to learn about his addiction and how I could support him.
My counsellor encouraged me to find alternative ways to manage my emotions without hurting myself. I learned to do mindful breathing, which I practised at home for two weeks, and it helped me to feel more at peace. My counsellor and I also discussed what I would like to do, if I did not have to worry about my son. I thought about it and shared that I would be working part-time on weekdays and going out with friends on weekends. I recalled my mahjong sessions and outings with my siblings in the past before my son’s issue started. During my first two weeks of counselling, I took time out to meet up with my siblings and it cheered me up a little. Somehow, it seemed like my son was making the effort to stop his drug addiction at the same time, and I was happy to share that observation with my counsellor.
Unfortunately, the happiness I experienced was short-lived. I could see signs of my son starting to take the illegal substance again. Feelings of disappointment overwhelmed me. I was beginning to grow fearful of my son, as his anger went up a few notches and he flared up at me often. I found my confidence sliding away and was filled with fear in anticipation of his anger tantrums. He treated me as though I was his enemy. I had never seen him behave like this before and it distressed me. Fortunately, my counsellor helped me to find my old confident self and we discussed how I would respond to my son. Honestly, it was not easy for me. I felt encouraged that my counsellor did not give up on me even when I wanted to give up on myself.
I shared with my counsellor about my other son, who is suffering from a gambling addiction and heavily burdened with debts. It was heart-wrenching for me to see my children laden with problems in their adulthood. Somehow, I felt like I had failed in bringing up my children. My counsellor assured me that I had brought my children up well and that they were responsible for their current life situations. She advised me on how I could continue supporting them as their mother.
At times, I wonder how I managed to stay sane despite my struggles and bouts of near total despair. Thoughts of taking my life have crossed my mind, but I need to be around for my sons and patiently await the day they turn over a new leaf. My sons are precious to me and I want them to know that I will always be here for them.
I still seek regular support from my counsellor. I find solace there. While I cannot help my sons to stop their addiction, I will not aggravate the problem by following my counsellor’s advice to get support for myself. I understand that my sons have to take responsibility for their lives and be ready to take the step towards recovery. Every day, I hope my sons will seek help for themselves. In the meantime, I am taking care of myself to support my sons and the rest of my family by being strong and healthy in all aspects. Family is important to me, but so am I.
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